It was 14/07/2018. After a long time of devastating for nothing. Days of loneliness. Glimpse of emptiness. I didnt have much interaction to human recently. I just moved from my previous rent room. And yet, the social interaction has nothing much changed. I slightly lost my mind. My problem, my life, my upcoming work start, and obviously my thesis (ha-ha). I have no idea whom I will talked with. Everyone seems much pressured with their own problem (dont worry guys, soon it will be over). Definitely harder than we ever thought. This is time you wont able to rely with anyone. I do understand much since we currently in exact point. Then there was a friend. Shall we called it Mango? Thanks to Mango I finally have someone to talk. Mango was one of a smartest person I ever known, and currently doing the final thesis like I do. However Mango is kinda unique and sometimes I need to advised how Mango’s brain working since we both have complex personality. Mango said I am exactly 5 years ago of Mango, lol. But yet, Mango is one of person who can cope with my personality and my twisty minded aside my family and my regular bestfriend. Mango is the only one who can maintain my weird discussion, even to Schrodinger Cat theory. Mango really help me to outburst my thought to the deepest. (Thank to me later if you read this, Mango. This is a honorable mention haha) A night of deep talk. A long hours of discussion. Mango was enlighting me so many things. A little slap for a naive girl. Something I never thought before, since I am so damn naive in sort of aspect. Ya Mango’s life was more complex than mine. We surely have different wisdom. Even there so much Mango’s way of thinking I cant proceed. What I really looking for? Mango definitely think I was be like “qerja lembhur bagai qudha”. A workaholic, since I said I spent 2 weeks nonstop for my proposal. Finding a job before graduate. Like I have no time for myself to breath. Everything come in sequence, systematically proceed like a working script. But is that something I actually want? I had no exact argument to conquer. The path isnt about right or wrong. I considered it as my fate, my path of life. I dont even know is that thing I really want. I have no much options. Life goes on. I blessed with many opportunities that people might craving for. So just do it. I’m pretty sure God lead me to the better path as long as I do it right. I am neither inherently golden spoon buddy nor have pretty physical appearance. I wasn't that smart tho, but my brain is just the one I can working for. Something I can always trained. Peer introspecting Mango disenchanted me many things about my personality. Mango said I was so self-centered (bitch if I can say. But Mango said I wasn’t bitch haha). I never realized I am that self-centered. Mango said I there are much tendencies I demeaning others when I am talking. I really never meant to goes on that tendencies (I do apologize to everyone I ever talk with, I am so sorry). No one ever said this to me before, even my parents. To be honest deep in my heart, I feel little insulted but yet grateful to know the truth. This is the first time I feel that I am so that annoying, I was rethinking Mango’s words all day (this day). Maybe I was to bubbly. Maybe I should keep calm and behave like aristocrat lady. Maybe I just need to keep quite and write. Am I too expressive? Am I that annoying? Why no one tells me before? Are they talking the same in my back? At some points this really distract me this day. Hem just welcome to life. I think I better shut up my mouth. Solitude is bliss. Silence is golden. An utter nonsense called relationship Haha I actually wanna skip this part. There's not many people I can share about my personal feeling. That something I hard to express. But Mango was succeed to digging up (congratulation, you are chosen haha). The point is this part is just wasted of time disposal. A total form of no beneficiaries. Mango said I am totally undecisive, but Mango totally right I do feel same way. But I dont know how to clear this shit without hurt anyone. Mango also said I have no much different when I speaking seriously or just kidding. Mango expression was funny though when I tell the whole story. The expression was be like UN-BE-LIE-VE-ABLE! How can you stay all this time? You just wasted time for nothing. There is no difference either with or without. Lol, exactly! Mango said I have to clear this as soon as possible. Well I have tried tho haha. Pray me more. So that was a brief of my total deep talk for hours with Mango. Sorry Mango I spilled out the conversation here hahaha. I have told you I love to write and better expressed in words. Thank you for having deep talk to me for hours despite how annoying I am. If you read this I feel somehow helped and blessed. Ciao!
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January 2022
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